thoughts that swirl in my head...any thoughts from you that may help me?

Sometimes I wonder why people do what they do. I try to put myself in their place and I still don't understand how they can cause the pain and hurt they do to others.
Are we in a world that's "all about me" people who are out to take what they want no matter the cost to others? Do we say and do things just to get what we want and then discard people as used trash?
Why do people take more than they give and why do the people that give continue to be used time and time again? Is it because that's what we know? Same action same result?
I have few talents but one is taking pictures. I love to take them until I am used....took pictures and then was told one thing which ended up being a lie...(I did give the pictures for a Christmas present which isn't a cheap present when you add the time I took to edit the pictures and how many there were and there were some very good ones too! WHY LIE TO ME???? WHY TREAT ME LIKE THAT???) Then it's like somebody's put a fan on the light within me and they're trying to put it out. I feel like I just have a flicker of light instead of a bright light shinning from within. I try hard to be a Christian and it seems like people want me to go to Hell and into the darkness with them. I have to deal with things and people all the time. I get so very tired and there are days I want to give in and let them all win. I've even tried several times only to fail and wake up feeling all the pain, hurt and sadness again. I feel ashamed when I think of Jesus and the beating He took for me (for all of us) and I wonder how do I pray now?
There will be family/people that will read this and get a big laugh out of it. Doesn't matter that it's from the depths of my heart....if I even still have one...( my heart has been broken/crushed/shattered so many times I wonder if all the pieces can be put back together. I pray...I cry...I try...but it never seems to be enough.
Why do people do the things they do to me?
Am I really connected to anyone? Can I be? Will I ever be? Is that a piece of myself that can never be healed? I feel like I belong no where. I exist! I don't have the bonds with my children or husband like I feel I should and even after all the years in therapy I still feel disconnected to a degree. Is it a gene I don't have? Is it the abuse I lived through? The countless beatings,rapes,mental abuse etc.?
I worked for years to tear down walls and build a "new Me" for my kids and husband but I have put the walls back up since Thanksgiving 06. I was hurt real bad this year and my instinct was to put the walls back up to try to save myself.
People don't care about hurting me...they're tired of my depression, etc. Do they ever think maybe I'm tired of it to? Will they ever take the time to do research on it? I doubt it...it's too easy to just write me off. Are they afraid they might see themselves in my life? They don't want to face their own lives so they make rude/crude remarks about me to make yourself look good and move on. But when you're all alone and you listen to your heart what do you hear? Are you afraid to even go there?
I go into the past to change the future. I have broken the chains from my kids. I relearned everything cause what I was taught was wrong. I spent years learning to change so my children wouldn't fear me. When my son was a toddler I was screaming at him and when I finally heard myself in front of me was my baby boy's whole body shaking with fear and tears streaming down his face and I just fell to the floor in horror and cried myself. The very next day I picked up the phone and called for help and started my journey into therapy. I have people in my life who have laughed at me, talked about me, who still talk about me...(holding onto my past). My past has a hold on me and often throws memories at me no matter where I am or what I'm doing at the time.
There was someone who I was working on my past with. (You know who you are). You finally told me you believed me about me being raped. You said you were sorry for not being there to protect me. But what about the things YOU did to me? YOU never said you were sorry for putting a gun between my eyes and telling me you'd kill me....YOU never said you were sorry for all the beatings....for calling me ...( you slut, you whore, you tramp, you piece of shit, you trash, etc.) I hear the words ...I Love You come out of your mouth and it sounds the same as I want a drink of water...it never reaches my heart....they are just words that fall to the ground. YOU make excuses for everything but does it take away my pain? NO! I talked to you about the past and I reopen the wounds that were slowly healing only to have you take your (molester/rapist) husband #5 back again yet another punch straight to my heart. I can't have a relationship like that. THE SAME HELP THAT'S OUT THERE FOR ME IS OUT THERE FOR YOU TOO BUT YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST LIKE THE CHOICE TO CHOOSE GOD.....THE CHOICE IS OUT THERE FOR YOU ALL AND NO ONE CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE BUT YOU....NO ONE CAN KEEP GOD IN YOUR HEART....YOUR LIFE BUT YOU....YOU CHOOSE HEAVEN OR HELL.....NO ONE BUT YOU!!!!!!!!
I have friends that use me and they say they are sorry....words falling to the ground again. I wonder if I will ever make it to Heaven....I wonder if dirty little girls make it in Heaven. I'm the one that will get me there or not. Is it right the way people treat me? I think No. I'm still waiting on a $6.00 candle holder...it's not the candle holder it's the....why can't I get the same respect other people get I paid my money just like they did but still after more than a year I still don't have all of my order. I asked about this and was told they didn't mean anything by it...okay so where's my candle holder/respect that you give to your other friends. Have I allowed myself to be used so many times that people think it's okay to mistreat/use/lie/hurt, etc. GWITHIN?
You know GOD ....where I've been...where I'm at....where I'm going....and through all of it....YOU know what's left of my heart. YOU know how much I can handle and when to tell the storms of my life to "STOP!"
With all my concrete...brick/etc. walls around my heart I'm not sure what can get in anymore. I have to protect myself the best way I know how from those I love who just brush my hurt off as...."That's just life". I wonder if my marriage will make it through all of this? My relationships with my husband and kids have changed for me. They may not think so and maybe they're right....nothing's changed except me. I see the truth and I hurt by what I see. But who cares???????????? It's "Just Life!"
Sometimes life sucks and hurts too much! I'm sure there are in-laws that will just LOVE this and some family members too....so please grab a cup of coffee and enjoy! I know how you really feel and that's your right!
2007 is a new year....suppose to be a year of change...wonder what kind of change it will be for me?
Will I continue to fight to live or will I give in? I see my shrinks more....I have to take more of my meds. I don't go to church as much as I use to but hopefully that will change and I'll go more. If that doesn't work out maybe I'll jump off this narrow path and hit the interstate with my kids and friends. They don't mind living the lifestyle they've chosen so if I want to be with them for eternity...well....
If there is something in here and it's about you well I'm tired of saying things because...(I'm suppose to)....these are my feelings they may be wrong to you but they are right for me!
~GWITHIN~
I'm healing at my own pace in spite of those who don't want me to heal and make it to Heaven because that's where I want to be for eternity!